Wow,  It's been a really long time. Oh well, such is life. God has done so much in the past months since I've written anything. The summer was challenging spiritually. It really forced me to look into my heart and consider my loyalties and motivations. Then the past semester was a good time of growing. My heart grew stronger and I have grown in peace of where God has brought me in life.

I did play JV soccer that season. It was really good for me to play and I also feel like I've grown a lot closer to the boys through the season. Then after the season ended I helped the volleyball team for 5 weeks of their season. That too was a blessing as I enjoyed the soccer and was challenged by their testimony of faith. My classes went well and I made it through with good grades for which I must give God the credit because I can do nothing on my own.

So I spent the winter with my aunt and uncle in Wisconsin after visiting the Haberkamps, the McCordics and the Bakkens. Christmas was great and after that I worked at camp teaching snowboarding. It was a good time of ministry and I got things worked out for possibly coming back in the summer. It looks like it'll work out for counselling and I'm pretty excited about that. A little anxious but definitely excited.

So that's the update real quick I'll try expand on more of my thinking of life another day.

Blessings on you.

a week of learning

It's amazing how much you can learn in a week. The questions really started coming out in my post a week ago. What to do with my sin? How should I regard myself in light of my sin but also in light of the redemptive power of the cross of Christ. Thanks to to my parents and friends who let me bounce frustrations and thoughts (true and untrue) off of them. I'm glad I thought through it all even though my attitude was selfish in thinking that maybe the cross of Christ and the grace of God was not good enough to change me and that I needed to be doing or that it depends on whether I feel I'm changing. Honestly, I'll be learning this one for a long time. As I look back, I've struggled with this for years and years and years like since elementry school and I'm figuring I'll have to keep reminding myself of the truth for a while still. But basically, I just have to keep claiming Romans 8 which of course comes after Romans 7. "Therefore there is no condemnation...." Actually, pause, read this a couple times and be encouraged or challenged or both but understand that it is true.

"So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Really, go read chapters 7-8 and you'll be so encouraged.

If you don't mind I'll mention a few other things that I've learned kind of apart from this. Um... joy, right, I was trying to remember what else I'd learned. Joy is a choice. It's a choice in the easy times and the hard times. And I'm not completely sure of all of this but somehow, it seems that when you choose joy in the hard times it makes the joy so much more rich and the glory of God so much more evident in your life. Maybe it's because of God's glory that the joy is more rich. I was thinking about this and the story of Job came to mind. We try to understand suffering and pain but that is not our place. We are to glorify God by choosing to trust Him and be filled with joy in, if nothing else, that He is God and there is no other.

Let's see, yes one other thing. Accountability and the sharpening of eachother in the church. I need to develope relationships in which I will be asked the hard questions and also in which I can ask the hard questions. The thought came to me or was pressed on me that I need to be very pro-active in seeking out these people and build the relationships to the point where such fellowship is possible. I've spent 2 years sitting on my butt waiting for someone to step up and be that for me but I can't do that anymore. I need to spend this summer praying about who to pursue in this way and in the mean time put effort into having uncle Paul be that accountability for me.

Oh, one last thing. The blessings that I have are so amazing. Everything from the Hershey's Kisses on my desk, to the cool breeze coming in my window, to parents that love me, to answers that might not make sense but I can trust because the come from an Almighty Loving God. Friends, if/when I get down again, refer me back to this post. I'm sure I'll have to learn this stuff over again.

May the God of grace, love and infinite power bless you with the joy of trusting Him in every situation.

I'll just say this now and then give an update.

I'm sick and tired of being a lousy wretch. It seems like there's no way out of this muck and mire. I know I should cling to the hope of Christ and find my strength in the Lord but It doesn't make sense to me to go to someone else to fix something I am completely responsible for. Like, I should have control over what I do. So I should go and ask for help cause I can't/won't pull myself away from the mud? Which is it? Can't or Won't? That's a significant question. I was thinking to myself in all my frustration that I really should just decide to live a life fully dedicated to Christ and everything will be peachy. I'm a realist. That won't happen for two reasons. 1) I don't have that kind of discipline or self-control. 2) Even if I did, what can I DO to live such a life? What's from keeping it from being fake? I can't answer these questions and you know by tomorrow I'll be able to put on a perky face and say that yeah, the grace of God is sufficient and His hope is the smile on my face. But what claim do I really have to that without true repentance. Which leads to another question. When will I truly repent? Does that last time I said it not count cause I did it again?

So we had soccer tryouts this weekend. A whole bunch of recruits were here to do their best. I guess that included being aggressive enough to kick me in the face. Oh well, it's good to have pressure again and remember how to deal with it. Elliv was a cultural experience and well, I guess I liked it. It wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. The show afterwards was much better. Gods light show is usually better than anything we can put together. Running around in the rain and watching the lightning was definitely fun. I can now do cartwheels. Anyways, life goes on.

2 Peter 3:3-14 (the poetic version)

The scoffing, mocking voices cry,

“Where is the one who splits the sky.

We’ve waited years in our fathers’ stead

And we begin to think that He’s still dead.”

Sit down you fools and pause to remember

The God who made the bolt and the thunder.

He formed the seas and raised earths spires

And He’ll melt it someday with heavenly fire.

You ask me when and I tell you fool,

To God above time is but a tool.

He says tomorrow and we cannot know

If that means today or when millennia grow.

I understand your frustration

But please recall before desertion,

As often as He is patient with you,

You can afford to be patient too.

With silent steps of a burglars approach

The complete destruction of earth does encroach.

So fortify yourself with His teaching

And upright lives He’ll hold in safe keeping.